Tangled Roots
by idefyu
Summary: Sequel to Bad Seed. After the drama of their youth, Bella and Edward's life together is not what they envisioned. Edward's eyes wander and Bella wonders if she chose the wrong man. Life isn't what they expected. With their two teen children struggling with demons of their own, Bella and Edward struggle for stability and against the call of the of the pleasures of their youth. DARK!
1. Breath Of Life

_**Author's Note: Hello again! This is the sequel to my story Bad Seed. This chapter is a sort of Prologue and in case it isn't clear, it is told from Rosalie's POV. The rest of the chapters will switch POV's as before. This is just the intro so please forgive the vague and slow start. Enjoy!**_

I never thought that it would come to it, that this is what life had in store for me. Years have flown by and I cannot for the life of me tell you where they went. There are markers of course, there always are. Life, neatly stored into a beautifully bound picture album. The photos always tell a different story than the one you remember. Everything looks happier, easier in photographs.

The wedding day, in the photos everyone is smiling. The bride and groom look so carefree and in love. What you don't see is the pain in the brides eyes, knowing that her groom cheated on her mere days before the wedding and the shame in her heart that she also cheated. The best man is all smiles, trying to hide the fact that he is so obsessed with the bride that it hurts him and she will never be his despite last night where her judgment faltered and they made love.

Do you see the father of the groom there? The handsome older man with his beautiful younger wife on his arm. Proud of his remaining son but never forgetting the lost one? One cannot help but wonder if he lusts after the bride. The bride whom he had before he knew who she belonged to. The groom sure hasn't forgotten the fact, evident in the way he narrows his eyes when the bride places a chaste kiss to his fathers cheek.

The photos never show the drunken bridesmaids snorting lines of coke behind the gazebo with each other, devastated that they aren't the ones marrying him. Ah, and him! The groom, the photos could never do him justice. The copper of his hair is not something that can be captured by film, his devastating smile and killer green eyes look dull in comparison to the real thing. He smiles and the casual observer of the photo would think him a doting new husband, but further inspection reveals a darker emotion. It is not doting in his eyes, it is dominance and possession. The bride is his, his property! No one else's. If he knew what happened between the bride and the best man he would tear him to shreds. But all you see in the photograph is smiles, dancing, love. Look carefully, you might see me there in the background of a photo or two, heart hurting for the one I know should be here, for the one the groom misses most. If the veil of my long blond hair is covering my face, its only so no one can see my tears. Though I am long past the time where I am immersed in the crowd, I am always around somewhere, observing and mourning for what I will never have. With him gone, I don't want it. Snap a picture of this, my face is the realist show of emotion here in this farce of a wedding.

The honeymoon photos are choreographed perfection. Lazy smiles on the beach, from both the young bride and groom even though the beach still holds bits of horror for both of them after the tragedy that they endured just a few short years ago. Another photo from the deck of a small sail boat. The bride has a plastered on fake smile as her groom holds onto her tightly. Can you tell that she is terrified of boats and all the nauseating memories they bring forth? In the grooms smile can you see that he knows all this and still insisted on the ride? The photo from the hotel room is the realest. The bride seeping peacefully in her grooms arms, he snapped a photo of them as he places a tender kiss on her brow.

Turn a few pages in the photo book and you'll find a the young wife round with child, cupping her swollen belly in front of her. An adoring husband can be seen in the reflection of the photo. The mother to be glows with the effects of pregnancy and her brown hair flows loosely around her making her appear as some sort of goddess. She looks happy. Can you see all the nights of sleep she has missed wondering where her husband was and in who's bed? Can you see the uncertainty on worry bitten lips? Pleading, praying, and hoping that the baby in her womb isn't born blonde haired and blue eyed like the possible father.

These pictures of measurement stop abruptly at seven months. The young wife woke one day in a pool of blood that poured from between her legs like a stream. The intense physical pain was dulled by the agony she felt inside for her lost child. The baby, a girl was said to have had no visible hair yet, but the young wife saw what no one else did, the fine wisps of blonde through the blood.

After the loss of the baby, there aren't many pictures to collect in the photo book for a while. The young bride mourns the lost child bitterly and that would be plain as day for all to see in any photo. Does a mother die a little with her child? The young wife does. Life speeds past her even though everyday feels as syrupy slow as watching the progress of a growing tree. Her husband mourns too, but in his own way. Drinking, smoking, indulging in all the things from their club days in a desperate attempt at drowning his pain.

A year passes and the fire hot pain dulls to a throbbing ache and life becomes livable again. Her belly soon grows again, and this time the husband can't deny what he knows is in his heart is going on. His wife has been with another man, this child is not his. But like so many other situations in the young couple's life, they remain silent. The photo's this time start much later on, when the young wife is near delivery. The smiles are back, the young wife glows in a way only motherhood can make you glow and the young husband cups her belly like nothing is amiss.

Before the child is born, promises are exchanged. The young wife and husband swear to be faithful, they swear the past is behind them and with this child they can begin anew. They have made these promises before, so many times. They hurt each other over and over again with no thought of the irreparable damage it has done, is still doing. I watch, I observe, but I no longer intervene. How many times can you beg someone not to destroy before you no longer have the energy, the will to tell them again? I have lost count and don't care to try again.

The child is born healthy and strong. The photos show an exhausted new mother cradling the scrunch faced baby boy her husband by her side staring down adoringly at his child. If he finds the newborn's mess of blonde hair painful, he doesn't show it.

The young father is happily chasing his crawling baby boy in photos when the young mother is once again growing with child. She smiles at them and it is radiant. It gives me hope this photo. Maybe they have changed. Maybe their children will have a chance.

This child is a girl, her hair a strange mix of her mother's brown and her fathers copper. She is a stunning little thing, but even so I refuse the offer to be godmother to the baby. I can't. It's too much. Although she has big green eyes like her daddy, she smiles like her uncle and it breaks my heart.

Pictures are all I have for a long time. Its all I can handle. The young mother, getting older each year sends a packet of photos without fail once a year. Before I know it, the babies from the pictures are gangly legged children, then awkward mismatched heights at eleven and twelve. Now as I sit with the newest packet in hand, I cannot help the tears that fill my eyes. The children are now blossomed teens. The boy looking every bit like the person he isn't meant to look like, his real father. His hair a pale blonde and icy blue eyes but he has his mother's kindness written all over him. The girl looks like trouble. She has the infectious smile that I miss so very much, and her hair is a wild mess of copper-brown waves, she is her mother in looks with her daddy's personality, with green eyes so cat-like and curious she seems she is always hiding a secret.

I know when I see these pictures that I have to see them, its time.

**_Please let me know what you think! It really helps me along!_**

**_Thanks for reading!_**


	2. Blinding

_**Author Note: Hey there! Sorry for the delay to anyone who decided to climb aboard this sequel. This chapter is from Bella's POV and is pretty short but I am still feeling things out here. Any suggestion would really be appreciated, thanks again for reading.**_

Sitting in the car with my phone clutched in my hand, I don't realize how long I've been there till my daughter breaks me from my reverie.

"Mom? Hello? Are we leaving? God we've been stalled here for ever! I wanna go home." Lilly says tossing her mess of copper waves to the side in frustration. Larkin sits silent as always in the back seat, but shakes his head in disapproval of his sister. I shake myself again then smile brightly. I wont let a call from him ruin my day. I am past the time where Jasper Whitlock can rattle me. Or at least I hope I am.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. How was your weekend babies?" I ask and Lilly sighs and Larkin looks out the window in disinterest.

"Okay mom, it was okay. Aunt Alice was drunk again. You know I think we are getting too old for these weekends mom." Lilly says conversationally as I turn onto the highway and make the two and a half-hour drive home.

"She's drinking again?" I ask biting my lip. Alice never really quit drinking but she was supposed to slow it down on the weekends she had her godchildren.

"It doesn't matter though, we are too old to be shipped off once a month to visit our drunk god mom who locks herself in her room the whole time anyway." Lilly says.

"Lilly." Larkin warns from the backseat.

"What? Your sixteen and I'll be fifteen in a few weeks. We really don't need this anymore." Lilly says turning to him with some desperation in her voice and Larkin frowns as if conceding to her.

"If you guys don't want to go anymore you don't have to. I just thought since we don't have much family, you liked your visits." I say, noting the looks both my children exchange.

"Good, we should have stopped this years and years ago!" Lilly mumbles and though she sounds petulant, I can't help but think something else is bothering her.

Later when we are home and the kids off to the solitude of their rooms, I sit with alone on my bed in my robe. I am supposed to be dressing for dinner but it feels pointless. Edward is never home for dinner these days, always late and always prepared with a perfect story to cover his ass.

Larkin knocks on my door then comes in and I plaster a smile on my face for him. He is such a sweet boy. So quiet and thoughtful. He is the perfect image of his real father, a subject that Edward and I have never brought up a single time. He didn't want to know and I didn't want to talk about it. The boy may be all Jasper in looks, but he does have my disposition. After the heated conversation I shared with Jasper earlier, I am glad that Larkin is only his father in looks.

"Mom?" He asks.

"Yes my boy?" I reply pulling him into my lap even though he is far too old.

"I don't want to visit Aunt Alice anymore either." he says softly, a hint of guilt in his voice.

"Its fine darling. Your teenagers, I understand. I'll talk to Alice and James next time I am in the area. They will understand." I tell Larkin and he looks relieved. My sweet boy, never wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

"Is dad going to be home for dinner?" Larkin asks.

"Of course not." Lilly answers strolling into my room and sprawling across my bed.

"Can you braid my hair mom?" Lilly asks and although I want to scold her for being rude, I cant refuse her when she willingly wants to be in my company. Larkin sinks to the floor as Lilly shoves her way into my lap, not giving me a chance to refuse.

"Sure." I say with a smile. Children were supposed to make this ache go away, I think as I comb my fingers through my daughters hair. They were supposed to make this life better. Edward was off every night with who knows who, Larkin and Lilly made me stay when I would have run years ago. My love for them deeper than any love I had for myself.

They were supposed to make this better, but if they couldn't do that, at least they made things bearable.

"Mom?" Lilly asks when Larkin excuses himself to dress for dinner.

"Yeah honey." I say softly as I mentally prepare myself for whatever Lilly is going to say. She is a forward creature, saying whatever comes to mind whenever she wants.

"Do you still love dad?" She asks and I swallow and steel myself and tell her the truth.

"Yes. I wish I didn't sometimes. But I do." I say.

"Even though you know he is probably with another woman as we speak?" Lilly says and my breath catches in my throat. I never forgot that Lilly and Larkin had caught Edward with another woman when they were younger and therefore never held much trust in him despite their love of him.

"I know your dad does things that make it seem like he doesn't care about us, but he does." I try to explain.

"Our past is sordid and difficult baby, and we have both done things that can't be forgiven. I am not perfect, and neither is your dad. But we do love you. With all we have we love you and Larkin." I tell her and I know it's the deepest truth I can give. My love.

"I doubt you would ever cheat on dad like he does you mom." Lilly says as I finish the braid in her hair. She gets to her feet swiftly, irritated but not with me.

"You deserve so much better mom." Lilly says before I have a chance to bite back my guilt, and she leaves me to prepare for dinner.

I want to tell my daughter that I am no better than Edward. I don't want these lies and secrets between us. I want her to be able to trust me with anything. I want her to have what I never had growing up.

At dinner Lilly and Larkin laugh about some joke between them and I smile just watching them when Edward comes in noisily looking drunk and disheveled. He kisses me on the mouth sloppily and Lilly frowns.

"My beautiful Bella. Dinner smells delicious." He says sitting across from me. I rise to get his plate from the oven where it usually sits till late at night when he decides to come home. He must have had his fun early tonight.

"Hey dad." Larkin says with a smile. The boy looks up to his father with a sort of desperation only a son can have for his father.

"Hey Larkin! How was your weekend son? Feels like I haven't seen you forever! This week just you and me are going to have the day together okay?" Edward says beaming at Larkin, his eyes a little glassy.

"What about me daddy?" Lilly says innocently.

"I suppose you want to go shopping?" Edward asks with a laugh and Lilly smiles indulgently.

"Or just lunch with my daddy. Is that too much?" Lilly says with a pout.

"Of course not my beauty. We'll have a father daughter day too.

I smile to myself from the kitchen as they chatter on lightly about nothing. It is so rare that the kids get time with their dad, that no matter how unaffected they act, they crave his attentions.

I place his dinner in front of him and when he smiles up at me I feel like I did all those years ago, when he was the only face that I dreamt of. I feel the deep obsessive love. Then I feel the fear. This man can destroy me.


	3. No Light, No Light

_**Author Note: After some response from you guys, I felt prompted to write more so thank you! Hope you enjoy and please continue to give me your feedback and let me know what you think! It really does help me write!**_

That night, after Edward and I obligingly have sex and he has fallen asleep.

I lay awake and wonder.

I wonder what life would have been like if I never met Edward.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine living in a world without him, now I dream of a life where I wasn't so naïve as to think that I could change Edward. He is who he is just as I am, but I cannot help but think that the toxicity of the two of us together pushed him to his extremes as I am pushed to mine.

I have done things that I cannot dream of being forgiven for. My children hardly see their own grandfather because though Edward has said a million times that he has left the things that happened in the past, this is not true. When he see's his father he is not only reminded of the betrayal, of his own father having sex with the woman he loves. He is also reminded of the brother he no longer has. Emmett is a subject that is so very fragile, his name is never spoken aloud.

We have one picture of him on display in our home and that is the group picture of all of us in our club days. Emmett stands tall in the back row, pulling me and Rosalie close to his chest with a broad smile on his face. I can barely think of a time where Emmett was not smiling or laughing. He was good natured in that way. Things bounced off him and his happiness was infectious. I cry silently remembering his big arms pulling me into a breath taking hug, a hug that made me feel so secure and protected that I never wanted to let him go.

Lilly reminds me of her uncle Emmett at times. She smiles like him, she jokes like him, and most of all, she love like him, with her whole heart and soul with no exceptions. Her darker moods I have to take the blame for, I was always prone to bouts of melancholia and Edward has his moods as well.

I wish Emmett could have been here now. He would no doubt have spoiled his niece and nephew rotten, but he would have given them love, something you can never have too much of.

I take my children's lack of family as a fault on me. I have no family to speak of and Edward only has his father. Our real family had been the Bad Seed group. Rosalie distanced herself after Emmett's death, occasionally making appearances at important events but never lingering for long. I suppose she couldn't bear the thought of us without Emmett. She stopped making appearances after Larkin was born. I sent her pictures every year, but never heard a word back from her. I understand though. I would have disappeared if I could have too.

Jacob, Irina, Tanya went there own ways and no one cared, they were never essential to the group. Alice I forgave all her wrongs but never fully trusted her. When Lilly was born, Edward insisted that we let her be Godmother to both the children. Things were hard for her and Edward, even though he hadn't really forgiven Alice thought that being Godmother to the children would help her to be a better person, would give her things to love that she needed so desperately. When Larkin was eight and Lilly was seven, Alice got married. To our shock she married James from our group. Now James had been Emmett's roommate for several years so even though I had trouble feeling at ease with him, I trusted that Emmett had trusted him.

James and Alice seemed to be happy together and the children went on monthly visits with them from then on, coming home with new toys and clothes, their Godmother spoiling them. But I still kept my distance from Alice and James for the most part, not really longing to bring up old wounds or risk Alice bringing up something she shouldn't in front of the kids.

And Jasper. Edward and him had naturally grown apart. After the accident that killed Emmett, it took a while for us to get back on good terms, but we did eventually and I was once again weak when it came to resisting the attention he lavished on me. Edward and I were due to be married soon and I couldn't help the burning feeling in my stomach that I shouldn't be marrying him, so when Jasper gave me console I let it lead to something more and unknowingly became pregnant with my first child. The child that Edward never knew was not his. The child was a daughter that died at seven months in the womb, and I mourn her still. That nameless baby girl that I will never get to know, but believe in my heart that she is with Emmett in Heaven.

Jasper mourns from a distance, traveling for a time. Edward battles with depression over the lost child and scarcely touches me, let alone share my bed so when Jasper appears after a years time, I practically fall into his arms and revel in the feeling of being wanted again. That will always be Jasper's ace in the hole, his reliance that I will always be starved for attention.

Edward I am sure does the math when I am pregnant with Larkin. He must know that the child is not his this time. He must feel and know in his heart who is the father. And when Larkin is born so fair, so beautiful, that there is no possible way to deny who fathered this child, Edward keeps his silence. He loves the child and I believe for a time that he loves Larkin because though he is not the father, I am the mother. I believe he loves my son because he loves me. I am foolish to think this. He loves my son to spite Jasper. He raises the boy and dotes on him at first, only to show Jasper that he will never be this child's father. Later it is because he really does love the boy, how could he not when the baby smiles up at him for the first time? How could he not when he stays up all night with a sick Larkin, so I could sleep, tired with the pregnancy of our second child? Edward may not do things for the right reasons, but his heart is usually in the right place. And though I sometimes doubt his love for me, I never doubt his love for Larkin and Lilly. He would do anything for them, its evident in just one look.

I give Edward immense credit for never treating Larkin or Lilly any different from one another. He could easily hold a bias for the child that is his by blood and the child of his best friend with his wife, but he never does, and I know that takes a certain kind of man.

Jasper never argues or fights with me about Larkin. He knows he cannot possibly win, and he knows he is not around enough to make any difference. He travels on his yacht year round. I get postcards still, from every port he stops at. He never lets me forget him, although I never reply.

His phone calls are rare and shocking, his voice always bringing back a feeling of nostalgia that I cant deny I miss. He brings me back to that girl I used to be. That girl that didn't know what she wanted, and let steady blue eyes lead her away from tumultuous green eyes and was for a time content and safe.

I once wondered if contentment was not the same as happiness and I thought I knew then that it was not the same thing. Now as I think about it, I wonder if contentment could have led to happiness instead of the happiness I had leading to me to a life of barely hanging on.


	4. Rabbit Heart

_**A/N: Thanks again to those who gave me feedback, thanks for reading and enjoy!**_

When Jasper calls me on the drive I make each month to retrieve my children from Alice, I have to make my voice work again.

"Hey Bells." He says into the phone and chills rush through my body. Its been about two years since I last had a call from him, two weeks since his last postcard that said he was somewhere near Florida, across the country from me.

"Jasper." I breath and he laughs unprompted.

"God, just your voice gives me shivers Bella. Do you know that? That after all this time just hearing your voice gets me hot?" Jasper says and I bite my lip.

"How are you Jasper?" I say politely, instead of giving into his last comment, it would no doubt reveal that I felt similarly affected by his voice.

"I've been really good. I miss you. I want to see you." He says bluntly. Time on his own has given Jasper a stronger voice, a more matter of fact way to him that I don't find entirely unappealing. I mentally scold myself. I am mother, I am married, I am not the same girl Jasper knew.

"Jasper I can't really talk about this right now. I am picking up my kids." I tell him as I pull into the long driveway to Alice's house.

"From Alice? You know she used to send me pictures of the kids. Every once in a while. I suppose her drinking has gotten bad, cause haven't gotten any pictures in about five years." Jasper tells me and I clench my teeth. I don't want Jasper knowing what my children look like, I don't want Jasper knowing anything about them and I want to be angry at Alice for going behind my back and doing a thing like that, but a little part of me deep down is a little thrilled by the idea of Jasper desperately searching the faces of my children for resemblance to both him and I.

"She shouldn't have done that." I say tonelessly.

"Its Alice, you really should expect her betrayals by now. After all the fucked up shit she put you through, I am surprised you trust your children with her. I wouldn't let her near my son for anything if I had a say." Jasper says.

"You don't! You don't have a say. And you talk about Alice like she is scum but who sends you pictures and keeps you updated on my kids?" I seethe into the phone. He laughs again. This is what he was hoping for, to get a rise out of me.

"If it wasn't Alice, it would have been Rosalie. They have a sense of loyalty to me, if nothing else. I never asked for anything Bella, the least you could do was send me pictures of my son." Jasper says softly.

"You don't have a right to even that Jasper. Edward is Larkin's father. You having a few pictures of him will never change that!" I tell him, my breathing becoming erratic.

"Your daughter is beautiful too. She looks just like you. I see a little bit of Edward in her, but she is mostly you. How does he feel about his son not being his? Does he hate you for it? Or do you two still pretend that everything is perfect between you two?" Jasper asks, and his voice sounds light and cheerful, like he isn't spewing venom.

"I am hanging up now Jasper, my children are coming." I say and he sighs just before I end the call.

I think about that call through the week as I prepare meals and run errands and clean and do all the mundane things a mother is required to do. I think about Jasper. I wonder if he is still as handsome as I remember. Edward has, if anything, gotten better looking with age. A blessing to him, a curse to me. Women half his age clamor for his attention, and I am sure he has no qualms about giving it to them. Years ago I heard the rumor that he got a woman pregnant and I was on the cusp of leaving him. I knew how hypocritical I was being but it was not an idea I could stand.

He came to me later to tell me the truth. He would not be getting anyone pregnant. He had gotten himself sterilized for that reason. A truth that should have made me feel better, only served to hurt me more. I wanted more children, did he even care about that? He never even discussed the possibility of this procedure with me, let alone let me know he was having it.

"It had to be done Bella." He told me, as if that was all the explaining I needed. As if that admittance didn't break my heart and crush my dreams of expanding my family.

I wish, not for the first time that I had someone to talk to about things. I would never burden my children with all that weighs me down, even though they are aware to some extent.

My mind settles back on Jasper as I finally have a moment to myself. I remember the last night I spent with him, which isn't as far in the past as I wish it was. It was the last time I saw him, almost thirteen years ago. It was before Edward told me about his procedure. It was before I knew the extent of Edward's betrayal. It was another moment of weakness that Jasper exploited as always. He showed up out of nowhere but somehow at the exact moment I needed him.

I knew Edward was cheating on me occasionally but I willed myself to forgive and forget as he seemed to forgive and forget everyday when he treated my son as his own. But I was lonely. Edward was off forming a new branch of his business and I was alone with two small children and no one to talk to. I would have killed for someone to just talk with me.

It seemed like a different life, all those years I lived alone before I met Edward and the group. I was comfortable in my solitude, it was all I knew but I did crave company, I was starved for it and I didn't even know it until I had it. Idly, I wondered where all my supposed friends were now that I needed someone. It's not that there was this serious issue I needed to talk over, I just needed to talk. About nothing, about anything, about life, I just wanted the process, the comfort of sharing with another human being. Edward simply did not have the time for me.

So in the midst of my bout of loneliness, Jasper appears on my doorstep. He looks travel weary and I let him in having already settled the children to bed, the pair having been particularly bratty that day. He sits with me like we had hundreds of times before when we lived together and I let myself imagine that he is my husband for a moment. As we talk I let myself think that he is the one I chose and we are both talking after a long day away from each other.

I know it's a foolish thing to imagine but I don't see the harm in it at the time. Hours pass and when we inevitably make love on the floor of my family room, it's a relief. I feel desired still. I feel valued, but mostly I feel vindicated. Edward isn't the only one with secrets.

"Your always going to be the only one for me Bella." Jasper whispers to me as we lay tangled on the carpet our bodies coated in sweat and hearts pounding. I remember the times in the past that Jasper and I made love, too many times to count. What is one more time? I let his words stroke my ego. I like to think that Jasper never fucks another woman if he cannot have me. I like to think someone wants me as desperately as I wanted Edward once.

"We could leave together. You and I could be happy. The kids too. I would give them and you anything, everything you could ever need, could ever want. We could travel the world, see everything you always dreamed of seeing. I would love you with everything I have." Jasper says softly and a chill starts in my stomach and makes me feel heavy and a little sick.

"I could never leave Edward, Jasper. He is my husband. Whatever this is, I am not leaving him for it." I say a little more harshly than I intended to.

My words are strong enough to keep Jasper away all this time, but I knew he couldn't keep away forever.


	5. What The Water Gave Me

_**A/N: Thanks to those who have been reading and reviewing. This chapter is from Lilly's point of view, Bella and Edward's daughter.**_

_**Enjoy and as always, let me know what you thought.**_

* * *

***Lilly* **

When school gets out I tell Larkin to drop me on the boardwalk and though he frowns, he says nothing. He knows where I am going, he knows what I do, but he keeps my confidence.

Its about a ten minute walk down the boardwalk to the neatly spaced rows of beach houses. I pass a tattoo parlor on my the path to my destination and I stop in. Why not? The young guy that runs the place is familiar. I see him at the beach sometimes. I would place him in his late twenties. He has hair the color of the blackest ink and his eyes are just as dark. His arms are covered in tattoos and I notice with some relish that his arms arm big and strong and I want to feel them wrapped around me.

"Help you?" He asks and I smile.

"Wanted to get my nipples pierced." I say suddenly. I never gave it any thought, but pain I am not only used to, but I am thrilled be. The scars along my thighs are testament to that. Pain makes me feel alive. It makes the world real and not just a horrible nightmare.

"You eighteen?" The guy asks raising a pierced eyebrow. "Yup." I say lifting myself up onto the counter and flashing him a dazzling smile.

"Uh-huh. Okay well, come on back." He says after giving my generously bared cleavage a good look. I smile again. He can look all he wants. Maybe more.

"Both nipples? You sure? How about your navel instead?" He asks as I take a seat in his chair.

"Oh I'm sure. Not afraid of touching my breasts are you?" I tease as I slip my shirt over my head and unbuckle my bra.

"Little girl, you think you know the game your playing." He says with a shake of his head and marks my nipples with a tiny marker.

"I'm not playing anything." I say and press forward so that my thighs cage one of his knees. He brings the needle through my nipple and the pain brings a rush of excitement making me press forward until I am almost riding his knee. He smiles and slips the ring into the first nipple then readies the second needle. He bounces his knee once teasingly before he punctures my second nipple with his needle. I rock forward on his knee unable to stop myself, his knee pressing hard where I need it. He puts the ring in the second nipple and gives it a flick with his finger making me wiggle again.

"You're a hot little thing aren't you?" He says softly, I nod as he cleans my nipples one last time then gets to his feet. He goes to the front of the empty shop and locks the door and I stay seated, watching him stroll back over to me.

I smile seductively, and scoot back into the seat reclining my body. He comes forward and automatically smoothes his hands up my skirt till he reaches the band of my panties. He tugs them down roughly and drops them to the floor and positions my legs on his shoulders. Without a word or a moments hesitation he licks me and I twine my finger into his hair as he savors me. His hair is thick and smooth and I tug on it some and he hums against me sending shivers through my body. He slips a finger inside and I come without much more provocation, my newly pierced nipples throbbing and tingling, my whole body hot.

I kiss him and get a taste of myself as I slip my panties back on then carefully buckle my bra and pull on my top.

"Maybe next time I'll give you more than a taste." I tell him as I head to the door, twisting the lock open.

"Next time?" He says dazedly.

"Well, I have been wanting a tattoo." I tell him and he smiles.

"Who should I ask for next time?" I shout back to him.

"Hayden. Ask for Hayden." He says and I wave without looking back.

* * *

"Where have you been biotch?" Kelsey asks from the sofa where she is spread out, a pipe in her hand. She has taken to smoking meth lately, something I won't try simply because those freaky meth ads with girls looking like corpses fucking a gross creep in the back alley for another hit leaves an undeniable aversion to the drug.

"Got my nipples pierced." I tell her and Corey hands me a bong and lighter and I take it from her without hesitation. I am feeling good from my time in the tattoo parlor so I lay back and rest my feet on Corey's lap to which she smiles. Corey is in love with me. I have known it for as long as I have known her and I may or may not use it to my advantage when the occasion calls for it.

"Nice, can I see?" Corey asks her honey blonde hair falling into her eyes. She has the face of a little baby doll, and sometimes I just want to see that baby cry.

"Hmm, maybe." I say closing my eyes and take a hit from the bong.

"Where the boys?" I ask choking on smoke.

"Getting liquor and pills." Kelsey says dismissively as she burns another hole in the couch with her lit pipe and giggles. I swear she is going to burn herself alive someday with that fucking pipe, lucky the weed masks the smell of burning velvet and meth.

Kelsey and Corey are cousins and Kelsey's step-dad owns the beach house we play in almost everyday. He doesn't seem to care as long as she isn't home getting on his fucking nerves. Kelsey has half her dirty blonde hair shaved and enough piercing to be a pin cushion.

"So what made you want your nipples stabbed huh? And how did you get past those consent papers?" Kelsey asks.

"Well it helped that the guy who pierced me wanted to fuck me. But I felt like getting something pierced and since my mom would cry if I pierced my face, nipples won out." I explain.

"Did you?" Corey asks anxiously.

"What?" I reply, playing dumb.

"Did you let that guy fuck you?" She asks and I laugh.

"Of course not." I say and Kelsey laughs loudly.

"Oh sure! Of course not! You never let anyone fuck you, we know. But what was your payment huh?" Kelsey says with a grin. It is widely known that though I am not opposed to sexual acts, that I don't let anyone have actual sex with me.

"I may have let him have a taste." I reply with a smirk.

"We may have to go back and visit this guy if that's the payment he settled for." Kelsey says. She is the oldest of us girls at eighteen. She shares most of her classes with Larkin, who is advanced.

"Well I did tell him I wanted a tattoo." I say and Kelsey jumps up and down excitedly.

"Really! We should all do it!" She says and Corey nods in agreement.

"What are we all doing?" Finn asks from the doorway, his arms toting several bottles of liquor. He is tall and blonde and every bit the California surfer boy he appears to be.

"Nothing that concerns you caveman." Kelsey says and he kisses her deeply as Damian, Tristan and Caleb follow behind him all carrying bottles of liquor.

"What's with all the booze?" I ask and Tristan stops in front of me and shakes a bottle of my favorite tequila in my face.

"Well a little birdy may have told me that its your birthday Saturday." Tristan says with a smile. I smile back but I don't really like Tristan, and like it even less that he is planning my birthday.

"How old are you gonna be little girl?" Damian says snatching the bottle from Tristan who in turn chases the bigger boy around the couch. Damian pushes me closer to Corey and smushes himself into the small space on the couch. He is well over six foot and built like the football player he is so me and Corey are smashed together.

"I will be fifteen, and I ain't your little girl." I reply brushing away his heavy arm. He could be Finn's double, except maybe he is a little better looking. Neither are on my radar.

"Tristan won't shut up about your damn birthday, we thought you were turning eighteen! Thought your were going to be legal like us. Your just a baby Lilly Cullen." Damian teases.

"Too bad your too old for me." I say shoving him and getting to my feet.

"Ooh, I would risk jail time for a piece of that ass." Damian says with a laugh pulling an uncomfortable looking Corey closer to him on the couch. The thought makes me slightly sick.

In the kitchen, Tristan blocks the way and it seems he has something he wants to say. He pushes the locks of black hair that are just a little too long, out of his eyes and I wait for him to speak or move.

"I hope your not mad that we're planning this for your birthday. I thought it would be fun." He says with a smile and I notice that he is handsome if he didn't give me the creeps. He has a nice smile, his lips are pouty and pink all the time and his eyes are sharply angled and pale blue. But something about the way he looks at me makes me want him away from me.

"Its cool, it was nice of you guys." I say and attempt to move past him into the kitchen but he stops me.

"What? You gonna let me by?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Will you let me give you a special birthday present?" He asks and I frown.

"Now?" I ask becoming increasingly impatient with him. I've got to leave in a few hours and every minute I am lingering in the kitchen with Tristan, I am not enjoying myself.

"No, of course not. At the party." He says with a smile and I smile back just to get him out of my way.

"Sure, now let me by." I say and he scoots to the side.

I grab myself a bottle of lemonade from the fridge and Tristan is watching me intently as I take drink until he hears the chatter in the living room.

"No shit! Let us see those new piercings, little girl!" Damian shouts and Tristan goes back out to see what they are talking about.

I take another drink and roll my eyes. Back in the living room, they all look at me expectantly.

"What?" I say.

"You gonna show us?" Finn says with a lewd grin and I wonder not for the first time why I associate with these people when I just want to go home and hang out with Larkin, but then I remember that they provide me with the drugs.

"Uh, no." I say simply and pull on my jacket for good measure.

"Aww look at the little girl getting embarrassed." Damian says and I hate his face.

"I'm not embarrassed, I am just not going to give you a free show." I say easily.

"You know what I think?" Damian says.

"Don't hurt yourself now Damian." I reply and he shakes his head scolding.

"I think little girl here is still a virgin. That true little girl? That why you don't let anyone fuck you?" He says and I want to hit him for trying to embarrass me like this.

"Just cause I wont fuck you? I just have standards." I tell him.

"So are you or are you not a virgin? Cause we can make this a very special birthday if it needs to be." Finn says and Kelsey shakes her head but doesn't say anything in my defense. I shouldn't have to justify myself to any of these people.

"Why don't you guys just shut the fuck up already. You sound like children babbling about someone else's sex life." Caleb says, speaking up for the first time since he got here. His voice is deep and soothing and never rises above a conversational tone but I don't let myself look at him. I never really look at him anymore. I know I will see the same smoldering dark brown and mysterious eyes and hair the same shade of brown. His skin, always tan from his days at the beach.

"Oh I forgot. You have a thing for her too." Finn says and I look over in time to catch Caleb as he smirks, his full lips turning up slightly and his thick brows furrowing.

"She is the only one here with a brain, of course I have a thing for her." Caleb says easily and my heart pounds in my chest. Everyone laughs off his insult but I smile at the ground then at him. He nods back and takes a seat on the floor next to Corey and she whispers something to him and he laughs.

"What's so funny." I ask sitting next to him but looking up at Corey who pets my hair.

"I was telling Caleb that Damian cried last night when we got drunk." Corey says quietly and I laugh loud, throwing my head back.

"About what?" Caleb asked softly and his voice thrills me.

"Okay, apparently he isn't getting into his dads uni. He is pretty depressed about it." Corey whispers to us and I laugh again. He deserves as much, the bastard.

"What about you Caleb?" Corey asks with a smile.

"I'm a junior Core." He says kindly. Corey is an idiot, but she has a good heart. And Caleb is always a good guy when it comes to it.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Corey says with a giggle and I laugh. She and I share almost every class together and she cheats off me in almost every class too.

"You want to smoke Caleb?" Corey says holding up the bong again. He nods and takes it from her and his arm touches mine. He wordlessly hands it to me next and I take it without hesitation. Corey talks for the most part and I listen to her, trying to ignore the annoying chatter from Damian and Tristan, the obscene moans coming from the room occupied by Finn and Kelsey and the loud thudding of my heart as I sit suddenly pressed side to side with Caleb who laughs at something stupid Corey says. She always has something stupid to say.

"Lilly?" He asks suddenly.

"Huh?" I say. I must have gotten stuck for a minute.

"It's six-thirty." He says softly. He always speaks softly, his voice holds authority though, if he were to yell everyone would piss themselves. He can be scary.

"What?" I say again.

"It's six-thirty." He says. Oh! I have to leave at six-thirty. He remembered.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" He asks gently as I scramble to my feet.

"Uh, n-no. That's okay. Corey is taking me home right?" I say. She didn't say she was taking me home, but as the closest thing to a best friend I have, she won't refuse.

"Oh yeah, sure. Lets go!" She says getting to her feet. She is very high, but she is always very high and therefore I trust her driving.

Caleb gives me a small smile and waves goodbye as make my way out the door with Corey. I don't bother saying goodbye to anyone else, cause fuck them.


	6. Never Let Me Go

_**Lilly's POV once again, Enjoy.**_

* * *

***Lilly***

Corey rattles on again in the car but I stop ignoring her when she mentions Caleb.

"What now?" I ask and she repeats herself.

"I said whatever happened with you and Caleb? I thought you two were going to be a thing, then you cant even look at him." Corey says shooting me a sidelong glance.

"Oh god, I cannot get into that right now. Its not that great of a story anyway." I tell her, not wanting to talk to her about Caleb just now.

"I understand. I just wondered is all." She says softly and I feel like I've said the absolute wrong thing.

"Okay Corey, I will tell you. But please don't mention this to anyone else, our secret okay?" I say and her smile is bright and happy that she has earned my trust.

The story is boring. I wish it were more exciting. I wish something worthy happened. But it all comes down to me freaking out and since then I haven't quite been myself.

Caleb was my first high school crush, when I saw him the first day of school this year I wanted to know him. I pinned after him and then I met Kelsey through Corey and thus joined their little pack granting me close access to Caleb. Caleb and I got along from the start and almost immediately started flirting.

We went out for months, never really making a big show of us but growing closer.

Then one night he wanted to have sex and to be honest, I did too. Now we had done plenty together. Actually almost everything except for actual sex. We were at the beach on a blanket and when things progressed I almost let it happen. But something in me froze. We were both naked, ready and I suddenly shoved him away in panic.

"Hey, its okay. We'll go slow. Is it your first time?" He asked in his patient ever soft voice. It would be easier if I could say, yes. Yes its my first time and I am scared. But that wasn't it at all. I was scared, yes, but not for that reason.

"I just can't. Please stop." I say suddenly tugging my clothes on as fast as I can. I feel frenzied now. Why does it feel like I can't breath right?

"Okay. Its fine. We don't have to if your not ready. Just calm down okay?" He says trying to take my arm and I jerk away violently.

"Don't touch me." I bark at him and he looks at me wounded.

"Tell me why your upset. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I won't touch you if you don't want it." He says calmly. I shake my head more at myself then him. I want the images I have burned there to go away. I want to be normal. I want to feel at ease sitting with the boy I like on the beach. I want this constant ache I have in the pit of my stomach to go away.

"Is this to do with the cuts you have on your thighs?" He asks softly and I just shake my head hysterically. I am crying but I don't remember starting to cry but suddenly I am crying so hard I cant even take in breath. But every time Caleb gets close I shove him away.

I don't know why I am acting this way. I've always been able to push it down, to keep the lives separate, but somehow they have come spilling out all over the place here and now.

"Look Lilly, I am trying to understand you here. But you have to help me." He pleads.

"I just want to go home." I sob and he looks at me, so confused, so concerned that I wish I could tell him. I wish I could get past it with him.

"Okay, lets get you home." He says and finishes pulling on the rest of his clothes.

The drive to my house is silent as I calm myself enough to stop crying. I don't say anything to him when I get home and I don't say anything to him for a long while after that.

I don't look at him cause his crushed look only makes me feel more crushed. I'm embarrassed. I am ashamed that I wasn't whole enough for him. I cut myself, he knew as much but what must he think about my freakout? Everyday I pray that he hasn't spoken of what happened between us, but somehow the idea that I am a frigid virgin is spread and I immediately think it was Caleb.

One day after being taunted, I confront him.

"That was really fucking great of you to tell people that I am a stuck-up virgin." I say to him as he makes to leave the beach house. It has been a month since out incident.

"I never said a word against you Lilly. You won't speak to me, so I don't know what your thinking but I never said a bad thing about you." He said gently and turned to get into his car.

Since then we have a silence between us. We respond to simple questions and make small talk on rare occasions but we never have conversations like we used to, and we never are alone together.

"So you didn't want to fuck him? And he got mad?" Corey says and I shake my head. I didn't give her all the details, but enough and just as I thought she would, she misunderstands.

"No, I just didn't want to have sex with him and I acted like a child and-never mind." I say as we pull up to my drive way.

"Okay, see you tomorrow." Corey says with a smile.

"Thank god she doesn't understand a word of what I was telling her." I say to no one as I make my way inside.

I muse on how much I have changed since that night with Caleb. I behave in a way I didn't before. I do it to prove that I am fine. That there is nothing wrong with me. I have let guys touch me since, I touch them too. I sucked off my English teacher after school once, I thought he was hot and saw him looking at me too closely. I felt that heat surge through me. If I did this, I was in control. It wasn't being done to me. I don't go to English class anymore and still have an A+.

I do things like this all the time now, it makes me feel strong, it makes me feel like I own me.

Larkin knows most of what I do. He understands. He has his own means of relief and escape, I don't judge. How can I? I'm just as bad, maybe worse.


End file.
